Screwed.edu
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
