well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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