look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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