I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
