the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
