Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
