I accidentally had phone sex last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
