Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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