If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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