my phone needs a breathalizer
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize