so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
