An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
