I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
