Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
