He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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