You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
