mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
