if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
