I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize