when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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