Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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