I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
