Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
