ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
