There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
