I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
this hospital has no fireball
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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