I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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