so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
too bad you live with your parents still
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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