he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
