Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this will be a night to untag.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
