He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
