I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
