We got so high we made milksteak
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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