Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
