i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
