During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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