That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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