Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
