her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
