i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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