I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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