I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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