My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
