just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
