Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
