is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
