yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
no, he came in my armpit
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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