Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sarcasm needs its own font
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
