There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
