i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
