i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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