just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
