yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
