we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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