He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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