Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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