I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
