i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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