He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
