this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
