Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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